Some time ago, I spent an evening with middle and high school parents as part of a panel discussion on stress and anxiety last year. It was supposed to be about stress and anxiety in kids, though for some reason we kept turning to PARENT anxiety and stress. (Imagine that!). The frequency of anxiety in children and teens has been creeping up over the last couple of years so we talked about some of the reasons and some of the ways to help them cope. One worried parent related a situation that occurred as she dropped her child off at school the previous morning.
“OK sweetie. Have a good day!”
“Mom, the flags are half way down. Did someone get shot?”
Children have a knack for raising serious, complicated or troubling subjects at moments like this, especially when you are on your way to school. Let’s see; how can you explain factors that contribute to societal violence, reassure your child about their personal safety and make sure they don’t forget their backpack while keeping the car rider drop off line moving smoothly?
Lots of suggestions have been provided on how to talk to your kid about mass shootings, school shootings, violence in the world and personal safety. But, it is hard to help them make sense of something that most adults have trouble understanding.
So, what do you say to teenagers? You can certainly educate them about how to react in an emergency. But, really, your child is unlikely to ever have to deal with this kind of terrifying situation. They will, however, be informed by the media and social networks of every single violent incident that occurs all around the world (however rare they are in our neighborhoods). They will be taught to be fearful, suspicious and untrusting. With this in mind, I have a few suggestions that are about helping your kid be a better human rather than a more frightened one.
Be kind. Help your child understand that even little gestures and kindnesses can make a big difference in another person’s life; how they can “pay it forward.” School shooters are sad, lonely people who have given in to despair and hopelessness. People have ignored them or been cruel to them. To resort to that kind of violence, a person has to have lost hope and happiness and joy. A few are suffering from a mentally illness. In some ways, the rest of us have failed them (though this doesn’t mean killers don’t bear the responsibility for their actions). Talk to your kid about how to notice peers who are being harassed or who are left out. A simple greeting to someone who is often alone or mistreated can have a big impact (even if your child isn’t going to become their best friend). Encourage your kid to be brave and stand for treating others with kindness and compassion. It is very difficult, very important and requires real courage. We need more of these people in the world.
Be Joyous. An antidote to the selfishness, despair and hopelessness in people who kill is to dedicate yourself to finding the joy in living and being a source of positivity and love in the world. Talk to your child about the kind of person they want to be. Devote as much time to tracking fun and joy, excitement and meaning in your kid’s life as you do to tracking their mistakes, areas in need of improvement and fulfilling responsibilities. Help them recognize the wonder and beauty in the world rather than only noticing the ugly side of humanity.
Be Savvy. Finally, as every expert suggests, help your child be a savvy media consumer. Being thoughtful and considered about the news they hear is a first step. Help your kid appreciate how easy it can be to lose perspective when every bad thing that happens in the world is delivered 24/7 right to their cell phone. (That goes for us adults, too.) Immediate access to bad news from all over the planet through our electronic devices is likely to be one significant factor in the recent, dramatic rise in anxiety in children and adolescents. How many school shooting incidents have occurred compared to the total number of elementary, middle and high schools in the country? Any death, especially a violent one, is a tragedy. But that doesn’t mean violent death is happening all around you. You get the point.
Instead of just trying to prepare your child for the worst, consider using these events as a way to encourage them to take up the challenge of being the best version of themselves and to help others become the best version of themselves. Have your kid dedicate themselves to being a source of good in the world (and that may even bring some small measure of peace for the tragic deaths of the few victims of mass shootings).
