This was week 2 of being a part of the church service at Trinity Church (www.trinityspringhill.org). This week Mack used Proverbs 22:6 to frame the discussion of the importance of training kids to be happy, loving and responsible adults who truly know God. He focused on the importance of intentional parenting in fostering honesty; genuine, emotionally intimate relationships; benevolence and generosity and knowing, loving and serving God.
As the congregation discovered, it is a mixed blessing for me to feel more comfortable; I can get a little loud, a little smart alecky and will go on and on. The worst part is that I think I was responsible for the service going over about 5 minutes. I used to HATE IT as a kid when the service would continue even one minute past time. I would start to count the minutes until the doxology (the sign of impending release and the sweet breath of freedom and Sunday lunch at my grandparents house). And now I was responsible for all that suffering. Next time, if I can’t say it in 2 sentences it ain’t worth saying.
Anyway, here were some of the thoughts I had and shared.
Up until the last hundred years or so, kids spent the majority of the day side by side with their parents and other adult family members. They absorbed most of what they needed to know (and should know) by example and by direct instruction in the situation. These days, with society organized as it is, time with our kids is limited and we are left with the need to guide and shape them by direct instruction; lecturing and talking (and talking and talking). Much has been lost in this shift.
The one thing we teach our kids that will serve them in every situation throughout the rest of their life is a strong moral system. Everything else changes or becomes outdated.
Honesty is at the heart of trust. Trust is at the heart of relationships. But, total honesty is the luxury of the truly humble or the saintly. Most of us are faced with the necessity of white lies, struggle with the temptation of telling small, convenient lies and, hopefully rarely, the temptation to deliver whoppers. Kids need a lot of help figuring out how to find the right moral balance.
Relationships suffer greatly in the activity-based lives that we lead. Establishing and maintaining relationships requires time and attention. Kids will need help making time for the people in their lives, especially for family.
We feel the most useful when there is something we have to offer others. Giving of yourself provides a natural counterbalance to the consumer oriented, competitive values kids get from the media. Satisfaction can come from something you don’t have to buy. What a concept.
One of the core components of a person of character is honor. An honorable person makes decisions based on their moral code. For Christians, this code originates from the Word of God as revealed by Jesus Christ. Morality arises from living a life that honors His sacrifice and the guidance He provided for understanding what God wants of his children (both old and young).
What’s a parent to do?
- Spend time with your kid side by side; housework, cooking, eating, reading, having fun, working, volunteering arguing. Give them the chance to SEE how they are supposed to be, not just hear about it from you.
- Avoid even small instances of dishonesty. It requires your kid to try to figure out which of your expectations they should follow and which are up for personal interpretation.
- Encourage your kid to stick to their morals, even when it puts them in conflict with you. If they can’t be honest they they should say nothing; even if it makes you mad. “Tell me the truth!” “I can’t mom. I promised I wouldn’t.” “You are so grounded! But, I have to say, I respect you for not lying to me just to get out of it. It makes me very proud that I can trust you about that.”
- Make sure you make time maintaining (and, when necessary, repairing) relationships in the family. Do things together. Show your love.
- Volunteer. Donate time together as a family to help others. Make sure your kid experiences the joy of discovering they have something of value to offer others through kindness, assistance, support and company.
- Continually talk in terms of values, morals and personal honor. Have a family motto that gets mentioned on a regular basis. Have everyone identify a scripture as a personal motto. Talk to your kids in terms of how God (or the Creator in your religion) wants us to be. And, for these purposes, be sure it’s the positive form (“Love they neighbor”) rather than the negative form (“Hell awaits those who …”).
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