def. (noun) sincere, frank, genuine, truthful
In addition to learning how to behave appropriately in different social situations, establish a foundation for future employment, and develop meaningful close relationships, teens also need to create a foundation of universal moral principles to guide decision making throughout their lives. Honesty is one of these fundamental values.
Honest people are sincere, frank, genuine, and truthful. If you are honest, people trust you. They know they can believe what you say. They can take you at your word. This trust brings with it all manner of opportunities and advantages. Honest people are more open with others. What you see is what you get. In short, honesty is one of those necessary characteristic associated with a meaningful and satisfying life.
What’s a parent to do?
Here are some of the ways parents can foster the development of honesty as a virtue in their teenage kid. (The focus of this column is on promoting honesty rather than dealing with lying. Strategies that address lying can be found, among other places, in my book Raising Teens in the 21st Century.)
Character check. Do a quick check to see if your kid needs an honesty tune up by reviewing these characteristics of a kid who values honesty.
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- Admits mistakes
- Truthful
- Doesn’t lie
- Admits fault regardless of consequences
- Acknowledges mistakes or violations of rules or expectations
- Doesn’t take credit for other’s accomplishments
- Doesn’t exaggerate statements or stories
- Doesn’t mislead or create mistaken impressions
- Recognizes the importance of honesty and/or dislikes for deceit
- Values honesty in others
Model it. (i.e., lead by example). Your kids need to see you being honest. When you starting looking at your own behavior through the lens of honesty, you may be surprised at what you discover. It is one thing to tell a bald face lie. But, there are a multitude of ways you can end up telling fibs, little white lies or don’t take the opportunity for honesty that presents itself. Make sure you’re an honest person. Don’t give explanation or reasons that aren’t true. Don’t have your kids lie for you (e.g., “Tell them I’m not here.”). Your kids are watching.
Another area in which you can model honesty is through storytelling. This can be through formal stories from a book, religious text or fables and fairy tales. It can also be more informal stories about times when you or family members were honest (and dishonest).
Notice it. (i.e., point it out in everyday life). Instances of honesty in everyday life may be more difficult to identify due to fact that honest people tend to quietly go about being honest. Keep a look out for news accounts of honesty (e.g., people returning wallets or money or things found that belong to others). When you find an example, be sure to point it out.
It is also important to make sure you catch your kid when they are being honest. It can be as little as responding truthfully when asked about something they might be hesitant to admit to. It can be as big as a major transgression of values or rules that they don’t make worse by also being dishonest about it. It is easier to build on honesty they are demonstrating than by punishing them after they have failed to be honest.
Express it. (i.e., talk in terms of morals; right, wrong, good, bad). Talk a lot about how important it is to be an honest person. “If there is one thing I hate, it is when someone lies to me.” “Being honest is one of the most important things in a relationship.” “Lying is just not right.” Have a motto (i.e., a pat phrase that you express at various situations whether it is relevant or not). “Hey, Mom? What’re we having for dinner.” “I don’t know sweetheart but one thing I do know is honesty is the best policy.” “Huh?”
Expect it. (i.e., set the bar high for your kid’s behavior). Honesty should be mentioned often in relationship to what you expect of your kid. “I expect you to tell me the truth, even when it will get you in trouble.” “Don’t lie to me.” Talk at length about what you expect from your kid when it comes to being honest.
There is a dilemma you can find yourself in as a parent if you encourage or demand moral behavior but fall short of your own standards. This can lead to a discussion about how difficult it is to hold yourself accountable (and why you should). It can provide an opportunity for you to talk about what led to your falling short of your own values and how you addressed it. You can talk to them about what you want for them and the effects of your own transgression being a reason why. But mostly, it is important to strive to live the values you want for your kid. Not just for their sake but for your own growth. Thinking about things from the perspective of what we want for our kids can be an unexpected catalyst for our own personal progress toward a virtuous life.
Next week: Honesty (continued)
This column is also posted on the Brentwood Home Page website.
