To become a person of Character, teens require guidance, encouragement and accountability. They need help identifying fundamental values. They will need your help recognizing when and how to put these values into action. They need help holding to these values when personal desires or pressure to compromise threatens to lead them astray. (They need to know what “astray” is.)
What’s a parent to do?
There are some basic parenting strategies that are particularly well suited to helping your kid develop Character. As you will see in later columns, you can use these techniques to focus on a particular Character-istic or all of them as the situation allows or need requires.
Model it. The most powerful influence parents have on their kid’s character development is as a role model for how to think and act. When it comes to teaching your kids about character, it is crucial for you to live your convictions. Your kids will need to see that it is hard to do at times. “Do as I say AND as I do” is important when dealing with teenagers because they have a particular sensitivity to hypocrisy. Since they just recently learned to recognize it, they jump all over it when it shows up, especially in their parents. When your teenager notices a discrepancy between what you tell them and what you do, you lose credibility and they assume what you say must not really be THAT important (otherwise you would do it too).
Modeling also serves as a personal growth opportunity for you. There are many things you (may) have done as a single adult (or during your dark years) that was less than admirable or worthy of emulation by your kids. Maturity, life experience and the innocent face of your kid (or, in the case of your teen, the sullen, scowling face) can lead parents to re-evaluate their own personal values. Take some time and consider the kind of person you want your kids to be. Make sure you are as much of that kind of person as you can possibly manage. It will help your kid (and it will pay off in your own life as well).
Notice it. It is important to draw your kid’s attention to indications of Character in other people. Point it out in life, especially the everyday variety (e.g., someone picking up trash on the sidewalk, someone taking the shopping cart all the way back, someone assisting a stranger, etc.). Few of us have the opportunity or ability to rise to the level of national hero. But we are surrounded by examples of Character in our families, in our communities, by strangers we pass on the street and even by characters in stories. Keep a look out for these signs of Character and comment on it. Talk to your kid about heroes and villains. Provide them with exemplars of integrity and of people deserving of admiration.
Teach it. Give your kid direct moral instruction. Tell them about the kind of person you want them to be. Identify the specific morals and values that are important to use as a guide to decision making. Talk to them about why morals matter. What would the world be like if it were populated by people without Character. Discuss scriptures, religious stories and stories from your faith and cultural traditions. And don’t forget stories about the accomplishments and honorable deeds of family members.
Expect it. Set the bar high for your kids. They should rise to the level of your expectations, which means expectations need to be high enough to require some struggle. Use phrases like “I expect you to be a person who . . .” “When you are an adult, I hope you will be someone who . . .” And, don’t forget to make room for falling short of your (and their own) Character expectations. They need to know how to pick themselves up and become a better person for their mistakes. Consider developing both a family motto (e.g., “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”) and a personal one your kid selects or creates for themselves. These will serve as a reminder of core values.
Express it. Talk in terms of morals and Character. Ethical standards are meant to be a guide to the right way to live. There should be talk about good and bad, right and wrong (because there is a right and a wrong). While this can tempt some to become judgmental and self-righteous, holding yourself to your own ethical standards doesn’t require the condemnation of others for not adhering to the same standards (though it is VERY tempting because those other people are, after all, not nearly as admirable and worthy as you are). This would be a good time to talk about personal struggles, times in life when you can lose your way and how to stay on (or return to) a life focused on Character.
Encourage it. The most important parenting strategy for promoting Character development in teens is by direct encouragement. Kids know what matters by what you notice. This means watch closely for times they show real Character. Make a point to comment whenever they demonstrate signs of Character. When they do the right thing, make a big deal about it. “It took a lot of guts to be honest with me when you knew how I would react. That is just the kind of person I want you to be. I’m very proud of you. You’re still grounded.” Catching your kids demonstrating Character (rather than catching them not showing character) is a very powerful way to drive your point home in a positive way. “I noticed that you showed real character when you. . .” Quietly remark on small signs of Character. “I just want you to know that I noticed when you helped your brother out. That was very kind of you.” Pride and admiration should be used all the time, every chance you get. Make sure they know now much you admire them when they demonstrate Character. “It means a lot to me that you showed such integrity when you . . .” “You know, I think you’re a very good person.” “I really admire how courageous you were in standing up for what you believed in.”
Next Week: Part II of The Basics
Follow this link to read this column on the Brentwood Home Page website.
