Well, teens are finally starting to realize things are not normal. Sure, it began with school suddenly being out 2 months early. WOO! HOO! But. Wait. People will die if they get this virus? The entire world (the entire WORLD) has come to a full stop? No hanging out with friends and classmates, for MONTHS? No chance to improve grades? (Or, in private schools: Now I have to teach myself online?) Graduation is going to be a drive-by wave? No party? No practices? No working out? You lost your job? No one is hiring kids this Summer! We may not go back to school next year? I’m going to have to teach myself algebra? My college may go online in the Fall? And there may not be any financial aid?
What is happening? When should I worry? What should I worry about? What am I supposed to do? Is there anything I CAN do?
The reality of this massive disruption, confusion and uncertainty has finally filtered down to your kids. And that means anxiety, lots of anxiety.
What’s a parent to do?
Don’t assume your teen is handling things ok. They can be functioning fine on the outside but experiencing lots of worries on the inside. Here are some things you can do to help your kid deal with their anxiety.
Educate yourself. It is important to know what you are looking for and what you can do to help. These are some of the most obvious signs of anxiety.
- Restlessness, fidgety, being wound-up or on edge
- Easily tired and unmotivated
- Difficulty concentrating or having their minds go blank
- Irritability or uncharacteristic outbursts
- Tense or shaky
- Frequently expressing worries or concerns
- Sleep problems (difficulty falling or staying asleep, restless sleep, unsatisfying sleep, nightmares)
- Physical discomfort (stomach aches, head aches)
- Clingy (especially in younger kids)
- (and here are some other anxiety resources)
While these obvious signs will help you be more certain your kid is feeling anxious, they may also be worrying about things without showing obvious signs. It is worth assuming they are worrying (because they should be worrying about the things that are happening).
Talk. Take some time as a family to sit down and talk about what is going on in the world and what there is to worry about. Share what has been on your mind. Find out what is on their mind. Being an adult is not being free from anxiety or struggles. Being an adult is facing anxieties and struggles head on. Being an adult is making sure you are reaching out for help and support. Being an adult is helping and supporting other people. So, use these discussions to help your kid learn about how you expect them to deal with the difficulties life throws them. In times like these, family support is most important.
“I really want us to sit down and talk about all the things that are going on right now with the virus and the isolating and people losing jobs. There may be some rough times ahead and I want us to talk about it and how we are going to get through it together as a family. It is important to not just pretend like things are ok or for everyone to try to just get through it on their own. We need to support each other as a family.”
Ask. Find out how they are feeling. In a previous column we included a quick measure of anxiety for teens. How your kid answers these questions will tell you a lot about the level of anxiety they are experiencing. You can also just ask them directly.
“Hey, what is the thing that worries you most about all this virus stuff?”
“I’ve found myself going over things in my head that worry me. Has that been happening to you too?”
“How are you feeling about all this crazy stuff going on?”
Validate. Many times, our response to an anxious kid is to try to talk them out of it. “It’s no big deal. Everything will be alright. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’ll take care of it.” Unfortunately, this doesn’t work. This approach is more likely to just shut them down. It is more helpful to respond in ways that show you are taking their fears and worries seriously. Often, just talking about what they have been worrying about can be a big relief.
“All this stuff about the virus and what will happen is kind of scary. It’s kind of scary to me too.” “It’s hard when you’re worried about something that doesn’t have a quick fix.”
Let them know they won’t be going through this alone.
“We’ll get through this together.”
“I’ll be right here too.”
“We’ll help each other out.”
Be open and honest about what is happening.
“This is a serious situation. Lots of things have gotten all messed up and it may take a while to get to a better place. It’s understandable that you’re worried.”
Reassure. One important role of parents is to provide perspective for their kids. They need reassurance that things can come out OK in the end. (This means, of course, that YOU have to believe that things can come out OK in the end!) Reassurance is first and foremost about hope. As I wrote in a previous blog:
“(I)t is more important than ever to help your kids keep a hopeful perspective. There is beauty in the world. There is kindness in the world. There is love and charity and generosity. We learn and become accomplished. We create and inspire. We can contemplate the future and have the actual potential to bring aspects of our dreams into reality. Funny, humorous things happen all the time. Don’t forget to notice the beauty and wonder and glory of the world. Out loud. To your kid. Ask them what beautiful, promising, productive, positive, kind, generous, funny (especially funny) things happened today. Tell them about yours. Every night share positive things that happened (and that you, yourselves, have done) that day.”
Prioritize. What are the most important things to focus on in life? Money? Career? School? Time with friends? It all comes back to character; the values and morals that guide your actions and decisions and priorities. While you have no control over things that happen to you, you do have control over how you respond and the kind of person you are. It is when things get tough that your character is tested. This time of turmoil and confusion is the perfect time to review your family values and to recommit to being a family made of people with integrity and honor. People who can make sacrifices when needed. The critical importance of these qualities are universal across faith traditions and personal value systems. Take some time to review the moral foundation expected of your family members. You can find some good resources here and in my booklet on character.
Manage it. It will be important to have some strategies for managing anxiety. Many of the strategies for helping address anxiety are the same ones to manage stress. There are some great suggestions for anxiety management in the previous column on Improving Your Quality of Life and in the column on Self Care for Parents. Consider incorporating these strategies and experiences into your family routine. Do them together.
Follow up. And, finally, set a time, on the calendar or in your mind, to revisit this conversation in a week or so. The response to this pandemic is a moving target. New information arises. Your kid will stumble across new things to worry about. Don’t leave them hanging. You are family. You are in this together.
Be kind. Be generous. Be safe.
