Come on! Come on! I’m tired of waiting!
The game is coming out tomorrow
I need it now.
Forget it!
Self-control is beginning to get increased attention these days. It is one of the strongest predictors of every kind of success during late adolescence and adulthood. Unfortunately, it is a pain (like most things that don’t fit the motto, “If it feels good, do it.”).
The speed of change, instantaneous access to information, global competitiveness, a consumer economy, planned obsolescence, the new “new” thing and money (more and more money) — none of these encourage kids to delay their responses or think, plan and act with deliberation.
Self-control requires a number of skills. First, kids need a reason to exert self-control. Ideally, it will arise out of some long-term goal that requires sustained effort. It is also a characteristic of a good, moral, decent and mature person. Self-control can also be derived from more negative processes like fear of punishment (either human or divine) and a desire to avoid shame, embarrassment, humiliation, etc.
Once there is a reason for self-control, kids need to be able to recognize when to use it. Next, they need to have strategies for inhibiting their urges, temptations and impulses. Finally, they will need to be able to catch themselves before their self control begins to slip.
Here are a few approaches you can use to help your teen develop greater self-control over their emotions and behavior.
Stories of self-control. Indirect communication is an easy (and sneaky) way to expose your kids to information, strategies and morals. Look for opportunities to tell stories that show the benefits of self-control and the costs of not using self-control. (Think Gandhi, yourself when (hopefully) younger, any of the series of self-destructive celebutantes, fictional characters and favorite myths/legends/fairy tales.)
Morals and values. In most situations, using morals to guide your behavior runs counter to being impulsive and reacting to immediate desires or urges. They provide a framework that is already in place before your kid is faced with a choice of how to act.
Define being an adult as having self-control. Look for casual opportunities to comment on it. Point out people who show this quality and why it makes their life better for it. Talk about why self-control is important (e.g., enables them to make effective decisions, keeps them on track to attaining goals and accomplishing difficult tasks, keeps them from being a slave to their desires and emotions with the damage these can cause to themselves and others, etc.).
Opportunity for self-control. If they are going to develop greater self-control, you will need to make sure they have the chance to use it. Don’t keep all temptation away. And don’t give them free reign either. Provide them with some room to develop this important ability.
The cookie jar. Self-control is developed through practice. You may not have realized how many ways self-control training can be slipped into everyday situations. The key component is to require your teen to delay gratification, i.e., wait for things rather than get them when they want them. The cookies are right there in the jar just waiting to be eaten. And they are sooooo delicious. They could take just one and no one would be the wiser. They are not allowed to take one whenever they wish. Waiting takes-self control.
A good example of hidden self-control training is the use of manners. Waiting for everyone to get their food before beginning the meal (with kids getting food first so they have to wait longer), giving thanks before a meal, waiting at the table until everyone has finished, letting others go first through a door and most other forms of polite behavior and even having to sit through big church all build self-control.
Taking turns is another example. Whether it is with activities (such as video games), watching TV shows, hearing out others during an argument or discussion and sharing possessions (rather than everyone having their own) are all excellent opportunities for developing self-control.
And, surprisingly, developing self-control in one area influences the development of self-control in other areas. In one study, things like squeezing a hand grip strength developer as long as possible twice a day or giving up sweets for two weeks (Lent, anyone?) resulted in significant improvements in self-control in another unrelated area.
So, make sure your kids are well mannered (not just because it makes it more pleasant for everyone else). Make them wait. Require them to share. Have them defer to their elders. Expect them to be gracious. When you have confiscated some possession as punishment, leave it in plain sight so they have to exert self-control to leave it be. (Putting it away is an “out of sight, out of mind” situation.) Giving in to temptation should result in tossing the possession (that’s right, the cell phone, video game system, MP3, gone!). Lacking self control can cost you in life. They must start all over again to earn another one.
Give direct instruction. “You will need to wait and be patient.” “Wait your turn.” “Your little brother gets to watch his show first.” Help them see where they need to exert self-control. Then help them learn how to change their focus from the immediate to the longer term. “It will only be a couple more minutes and we’ll get started.” “Find something else to occupy your time until your sister is finished.” They will need help shifting their focus off the desired object or activity. The more they focus, the more likely they are to override self-control and go for it.
Help them focus on long-term goals or benefits (e.g., getting to play the game at all, being able to finish dinner and leave rather than have extra time added on for being rude, etc.). Encourage them to distract or preoccupy themselves until it is time or until the desire drifts away.
Know their limits. Keep a close eye on your teen’s level of frustration when using self-control. You want them to successfully use self-control. Try to determine how long they can maintain self-control and go just a little bit past.
As their self-control improves gradually increase their frustration. “After we finish here, we will (something they would like to do).” “Hang on for 15 (or 30 or 60) more minutes.” “The Doxology has got to be coming soon!” (Oh. Was that a little reversion to my youth spent in a Baptist church longing for that signal I would soon be released?)
Praise, praise, praise. Notice when they use self-control. Mention how pleased you are with their maturity (self-control equals maturity). Provide some form of reinforcement for having self-control to make it worth their while: admiration, special access to valued possessions (e.g., video game play) or activities (e.g., hanging with friends?). Note: be sure not to overdo rewards; they can end up undermining the internalization of self-control. Small to moderate rewards are best. Long-term goals. Working toward a long-term goal relies on self-control while also simultaneously promoting the development of self-control. Require your kid to form important goals (e.g., saving for a vehicle, demonstrating responsibility for a set number of weeks/months to earn — or earn back — a desired possession, etc.).
Advice for peers. Consider asking your teen what they would recommend for a peer in that situation. See what suggestions they would make to a movie character faced with the need for self-control. Take advantage of opportunities on the news or in daily life to talk with your kid about someone faced with a dilemma regarding self-control versus impulsiveness. Have your kid think about what they would recommend to someone in the same situation they have encountered.
Thinking for someone else gives teens some distance from the immediate pull of impulse. They are much more likely to think in terms of a long-term outcome.
Feed them carbs. Some very interesting research findings have indicated that using self-control brain cells are depleted of energy in a situation that tempts you to act impulsively. People then become much more impulsive after using self-control. You can counteract this effect by having your kid carb up — ideally with complex carbs like unprocessed sugars, oats and whole grains.
Keep emergency supplies of granola bars. When your kid is faced with the need for self-control, cram one in their mouth. (If only my momma had known this when we attended church.)
Spontaneity. While self-control is an important quality kids need to get things accomplished, there is also a place for impulsive and spontaneous actions. These often underlie important qualities such as kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. If you ignore the allure of impulsive, emotion-driven actions you miss the opportunity to help your kid have fun and be creative.
Conversations about self-control should be balanced with conversation about how to be spontaneous while avoiding being reckless, cruel or harmful to others, destructive or dangerous.
