Your kids will be growing to adulthood in a century where the complexity of technology and the pace of change is unlike anything humans have ever experienced. This is one in a series of columns devoted to identifying core competencies that will help your kid be successful in this 21st century workplace. The focus of this column is on helping teens develop their verbal and written communication skills.
Communication Skills
There are some basic components to effective communication whether it is written or spoken. First and foremost, your kid will need to be able to express themselves clearly, concisely and appropriately. Most kids need help learning how to get better at this.
Clear. “Um, I think, you know. I mean I know you’re not gonna agree but, it’s really important. And it’s not like I’ve really asked for anything lately.” Your kid will need to be able to state their thoughts, ideas, interests or objections clearly. Have them stop, organize their thoughts and present you with a clear beginning (background information directly related to the point they want to make), middle (what’s your point?) and end (briefly summarize).
Concise. Your kid will need to know how to be brief and to the point. They should be able to summarize (i.e., present the main ideas and leave out the unnecessary detail). You may have to help them do this by giving direct instructions: “OK, wait. I want you to give me the main points first. Then, we’ll go back and fill in the details.” On the other hand, there is such a thing as being TOO concise in this era of texting (e.g., “k”, “whatev’s” “sup”, “LOL”). Your kid may need help providing enough information to communicate their ideas. (See the discussion of clarity above.)
Appropriate. “Dude, this is a bitchin’ place y’all have here!” (What? He was just indicating his admiration for the offices he hopes to be occupying soon.) Your kid will need to have some idea of how to make appropriate small talk, how to answer questions and how to express themselves appropriately. This will require them to adjust their communication to match the style and context of the person with whom they are interacting. (Even if they don’t use it, they need to know how.) The more experience they get talking to different types of people in different contexts (with preliminary and follow up coaching from you), the better. This is a perfect opportunity for role play. You be people in different situations and your kid has to deal with what you throw at them. (Some times, these little learning exercises can turn into a brawl if your kid gets embarrassed/annoyed and you push things too hard. If this doesn’t work, there is more than one way to skin a cat.)
Words, though, are only one part of effective communication. It is important for your kid be aware of their non-verbal messages as well. Kids are typically clueless about how they come across non-verbally (except how other kids may view them, where they pay very close attention). It can be useful to give some feedback and direct instruction on non-verbal aspects of communication.
Posture. While having good posture is generally important, it is especially so in social interactions. When they have something important to talk to you about, have them stand up straight. Talk to them about the importance of appearing confident and worthy of respect by how they hold themselves.
Attentiveness. Your kid will need to be aware of the importance of facing the person they talk to. They will need to keep their head up and make eye contact. The confidence this gives off will influence how they feel as well as how seriously other people will take them. Have them get in the habit of pausing what they are doing (e.g., videogames, updating facebook) to give the person their full attention. At the very least, they should politely ask for a minute to finish what they are doing in order to provide their full attention. Is it too obvious to say that taking a text in the middle of an interaction is a very clear message about what is more important; and it isn’t the person they are talking to.
Vocal tone. Whining is annoying. Defensive, barking responses will provoke other people. The opinions of people who make soft, barely audible statements are not likely to be considered. Help your kid learn to speak in a way that encourages others to take them seriously as well as being interested in what they have to say. This includes vocal tone (warmer, sincere), encouraging vocalizations (“uh huh” “oh, really”) and affirmations (“I see what you mean” “that’s interesting” “I didn’t realize that”).
Written Communication
Here are some specific activities that can help your kid become a better written communicator.
Texting versus writing. Keep a close eye on your kid’s writing. They are likely to leave out a lot of important parts of a sentence or idea. Texting is shaping their normal writing style; so much so that they may not even notice when they need to use complete sentences with accurate spelling. They need to know when to use what style of writing regardless of how they write in informal situations. Punctuation is there for a reason. Make them use it at least some of the time. (Check out Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss. It is a funny review of punctuation by someone who corrects punctuation on grocery store produce signs.)
Grammar time. Grammar is a mechanism for clear, organized and understandable communication. Misusing it can make you look stupid, uneducated and incompetent. There should be at least some times when you require your kid to use correct grammar. “OK, try to say that like you have actually read a book.” (If you need a review, try Woe is I by O’Connor.) You might consider having a time when everyone is required to use formal grammar (kind of like times when everyone has to use their formal manners). Dinners work great for this. Everyone has to use correct grammar (and correct other’s grammatical mistakes). The more game-like the atmosphere, the more it might work.
Thank you notes. Not only is it good manners to send thank you notes, it is also a perfect time to practice the use of proper grammar as well as giving thoughtful consideration to exactly what you want to say.
Formal requests. One way to learn how to write formal requests is practice. When your kid wants something important, have them present you with a formal written request. As always, don’t over do this; just now and again or only for certain categories of requests (e.g., video games, large purchases, cell phone upgrades, etc.).
Customer satisfaction. If your kid has a complaint to lodge against you, have them write out a customer complaint form. Give constructive criticism about what it seems like they are saying and how it would affect a normal person. If it is grossly inadequate, have them redo it; clear, concise, appropriate. Don’t forget to require them to also write a satisfaction survey to you, their sibling, a teacher. They need to learn how to communicate positive messages, too.
Verbal
Presentations. When teenagers want something important, require them to make a formal presentation. The presentation should include a brief review of the main points. Require them to present supporting arguments and evidence. Have them take questions where they have to respond (calmly) with relevant information. (Don’t go overboard. The goal is experience and gradual improvement not to create “The Family Corporation” where everything is a staff meeting.)
Complete Sentences. “Yeah” “No” “(grunt)” Require your teen to respond in complete sentences (with nouns and verbs). “Look, you need to answer me in a complete sentence.” If they still don’t get it, consider requiring them to provide 3 complex sentences in response to a question from you.
Formal conversations. Your kid should be able to ask questions and hold up their end of a conversation in a more formal setting (e.g., reception, when you run into a work colleague at the grocery store, etc.). This would include using appropriate titles (Mr., Ms., Dr.), formalities (Sir, Ma’am, Yes Sir/Yes Ma’am) and providing responses with sufficient detail. They will also need to know what is appropriate and inappropriate to talk about in different settings. Lastly, they will need to know when to stay quiet or stop talking. Conduct some role plays. Practice makes perfect.
Manners. Being polite means continuing to interact with someone even though they are annoying or you are ready to leave. Your kid should be able to maintain a conversation even when it bores them. This can be a fun one to practice with them. Talk about your work. Talk about what all you tried on today in the mall. Talk about anything that they have no interest in and require them to practice acting interested.
Inter-generational/transcultural Communication. Do they know how to talk to adults (i.e., people who are older)? Do they know how to talk to elders? Can they talk to people who have different cultural or economic back grounds? Find ways for them to practice. They need to be able to relate to people other than those having been raised on video games and texting.
Making appointments. Teens need to be able to make their own appointments. You can be with them, just make them do it; everything; doctors, dentists, dinner with grandma.
Dealing with service professionals. Your kid will need experience dealing with various service providers. Have them take the lead in questioning and deciding about various repairs or inquiries (e.g., electrical, plumbing, automotive repairs and negotiations, pricing a new car, etc.).
Summarize your day. Have your kid practice summarizing by providing a brief review of their day. The more practice they get with different situations, the better they’ll become at it.
It isn’t necessary for your kid to be Shakespeare, they just need to be comfortable speaking and writing to someone other than friends and their parents. The more practice the better.
originally published on www.brentwoodhomepage.com
