We live in a society where experiences are served up pre-determined, pre-selected, pre-processed, pre-digested, pre-programmed, pre-packaged and pre-scheduled. While convenient, there are a few problems this can present for your kid. They can forget or never learn how to recognize authentic personal interests. They begin to wait passively for experiences to be presented. They consider temporary excitement and surprise to be the same as fascination and curiosity. Activity and change are mistaken for true accomplishment. Observing adventures substitutes for actual exploration. Moving from one immediately (and superficially) gratifying experience to another interferes with the opportunity to uncover genuine interest. The sources of purpose and meaning come to be seen as originating from outside rather than from within.
How can you help your kid find their passion? What sparks their interest and brings them satisfaction and fulfillment? Do they have a purpose in life? A reason for being? How do you help your kid develop what the Japanese call ikigai, a reason to get up in the morning? Here are some things that can help.
Model it. Nothing beats setting a good example as a way to demonstrate how something is done. Let your kid see what brings you satisfaction. Talk to them about the things that matter to you. If you don’t have anything, get going. Y’all can work on this together; a family project where each begins the process of finding your own purpose. It will give you something to talk about; what you realized, the struggles you encounter.
Electronic black outs. Electronic media (particularly surfing the net, video games, texting and social media pages) can smother the pursuit of meaning in a tsunami of meaningless activity. Have regular times during the week (e.g., dinner time, family reading time, etc.) when everyone shuts down all electronics (including television). At least once a week, have a blackout that lasts for at least 4 consecutive hours when they are not doing anything else (e.g., religious services or extra-curricular activities don’t count). They must have enough time to get bored and try to find something else to do. It is OK for them to have a friend but the friend has to also abide by the electronic black out rule.
Note: There are some situations in which electronics can be a part of finding purpose. An interest in programming or creativity with music or video involves electronics as a tool. A more complicated issue is if your kid’s ikigai is socializing and relationships. In that case, they can explore other interests during the black out and get back to their online friends after.
Support existing interests. Notice when your kid shows enthusiasm and interest. Ask about it. Find ways to help make it possible for them to pursue things they have a passion for. Don’t worry if it is practical. Your kid needs practice being enthusiastic and dedicating themselves to something that interests them.
Facilitate finding an interest. Not everyone has a grand passion. It can take time to find a purpose. The key is to know what it looks like and what to do with it once you find it. You will be able to help your kid stumble across their passion by introducing them to a world of experiences. Make trips. Try new things. Visit interesting people and places. Follow their curiosity, or yours. Try to break the mold of what they think is possible or what is out there in the big wide world. The rest will be up to them.
Embrace boredom. If your kid says “I’m bored” you are on the right track. Boredom leads to exploration. Exploration leads to either, unhelpfully, a visit by the police or, helpfully, the discovery of interests. (Hopefully it won’t involve both.) Pay attention to your kid’s boredom. Use it as an excuse to try something new and unexpected (see below). Just be sure it is difficult for your kid to get into trouble.
Face their fears. Do something scary. (Not dangerous, well not too dangerous, just scary.) Get them to take chances. It is surprising how often people develop a passion for the very thing that was a source of fear or trepidation. At other times, taking a big risk can lead to a sense of freedom to really look at what brings (or might bring) you joy and satisfaction.
Making a difference. A real purpose in life requires rising above doing just enough to survive or making it through the day. It is a transcendent experience. It is contributing to something greater than yourself. It is something that allows you to lose yourself in the doing. Make sure your kid is doing something that gives back to others or contributes to the betterment of the community. Have it be a family thing.
Having a purpose in life is not something you can get your kid to do. It may take many years for them to stumble across it. What you can do is make sure they know it is important. What you can do it open them up to the endless possibilities of things worth doing for personal satisfaction and that contribute to the world around them. Not a small thing.
posted on www.brentwoodhomepage.com
