This column continues the series on setting limits on your kid’s access to and use of social media and the internet at different ages. The focus of this column is on the expectations and recommendations for kids in grades 9 and 10.
Levels of Parental Monitoring
Ninth and tenth grade kids should begin to require less parental monitoring than younger kids. They will be able to access electronic devices and media without you having to worry so much about inappropriate access and use. They may even have already graduated to Regular monitoring (checking every week or so). This will then progress to Occasional monitoring; that is casually checking on them every now and then.
9th and 10th Graders
During this age, parents should be able to trust their teen to use the internet and social media with only Regular monitoring. They will have begun to lose interest in the grotesqueries provided by the internet. They have begun to get a handle on their sexual drive (so to speak). Exposure to more graphic material will not have nearly as much impact as it would be if occurring in middle school. The problem with exposure to this material at this age is the effect it has on expectations about relationships (and how to actually BE in a relationship). Regular monitoring during the early parts of this phase is likely to reveal interests they have been pursuing that require a series of parent-child meetings to help your kid have a more accurate view of things.
Here are some ways to address your kids ability and need to be more responsible for making decisions beginning in SMALL ways to set their own limits.
Internet
Here are some important considerations regarding internet use by your 9th and 10th grader.
Question your kid on internet safety. In the previous developmental periods you were having more formal discussions and joint review of personal information on the internet. During this age, you should be able to just occasionally ask them questions about the information they provide on various accounts, language they are using, etc. Discoveries of slippage should be correctable by a comment or direct instruction. “Son, you know how I feel about you using that kind of language.” “Did you make sure you didn’t give any personally identifying information when you signed up for that?” If it appears that they are ignoring your rules, rather than having a slip up now and again, then go back to High monitoring after you sit with them to make the necessary editing changes. If it seems like they are back on track, drop back to Regular and then on to Occasional monitoring.
Computers with internet access in public spaces. If they have been using the computer appropriately while it has been in public spaces for the past couple of years, it is time to consider allowing them to have access in private spaces for periods of time. When you decide they have demonstrated sufficient self-control and responsibility to warrant this privilege, start with High to Regular monitoring while on the internet in their room. Check signs for potential inappropriate computer use (e.g., internet history or blank spots in internet history, etc.).
Content filters on all computers. All your computers should have content filters. Begin to allow your 9th and 10th grader the opportunity to use the computer with the filters disabled. Don’t give them the password, just go in and unblock it. Then, when they have finished, enable it again. This is probably a good time to let you know that the most devious internet hacker you are likely to encounter is your own child. It is really surprising how easy it is for them to just look over your shoulder while you type the password or are able to figure it out (i.e., the password you use for everything). If you discover your kid has obtained your password, treat it as though they have stolen money from you; serious, extended discussion about integrity and trust and drop them back to Extreme monitoring on everything (i.e., use only in your immediate presence). Make them earn their way back out of it. They need to learn that every significant human social interaction depends on trust and integrity.
Internet use with Regular to Occasional monitoring. You should be able to trust your kid on the internet by this age. Thus, through Regular monitoring you should find no infractions. Stopping by randomly every week or so to review how they are using the internet will confirm this. After 6 months of no incidents, you can shift to Occasional monitoring (e.g., checking every now and again). As with all accomplishments that are a reflection of maturity, responsibility and character, be sure you let your kid know how proud you are they are the kind of person you can trust. Make sure they know how important it is. Then, be sure to remind them that trust is a fragile thing that they must cultivate continually (so don’t slip up).
If they keep slipping up, drop back to the previous level of monitoring. After they have demonstrated appropriate use at that level for a couple of weeks, put them back on the level they were at when they messed up. You may have to bounce back and forth a couple of times to make the point they need to stop trying to get around the rules.
If you have to do this more than 2 or 3 times, it is time to look for something more problematic than just trying to get on the internet. Is there a love interest? Do you have a bullheaded kid? Is it a problem of priorities (e.g., video games, social media, pornography)? Is something more dark and serious going on (e.g., pornography, inappropriate online relationship, etc.)? Take a closer look and consider consulting with a mental health professional to see what you should be looking for.
Multiple ages on the internet. When your teen earns more freedom to access the internet, the presence of younger siblings can create problems. The computer may be left open to sites that are inappropriate for younger kids. Your teenager may not appreciate the need to protect their younger brother or sister from what they are accessing. It is time to talk specifically to your teenager about the responsibility older people have to protect younger people from things they are not ready to handle. They are now entering into an age where they also have responsibility for thinking about what is good for their siblings. They are a role model. And with being a role model comes obligations to present the right model. And, you will hold them responsible for any oversights they make with a loss of privileges until they are ready to handle this responsibility appropriately.
Limit time on the internet. With the decreased parental monitoring of this age, it is easy to lose track of how much time your kid is spending on the internet. Every now and again, just quietly note how much time they spend online. If it is exceeding an average of 2-3 hours a day then you should review how productive and responsible your kid is in other areas of their life (e.g., school, friend time, family time, attitude, mood, grades, etc.). If they are doing OK, then just keep monitoring the situation. Let your kid know that you are concerned but will continue to give them room as long as they take care of these others areas.
published on www.brentwoodhomepage.com
