This column continues the series on setting limits on your kid’s access to and use of social media and the internet at different ages. The focus of this column is on the expectations and recommendations for kids in grades 7 and 8. If strategies or information have been covered in previous columns from earlier ages, you will be referred back to those columns for specific details.
Levels of Parental Monitoring
Different levels of parental monitoring were discussed in detail in the introductory column for this series.
You can find it here. The levels of parental monitoring are: no access, adult presence only, extreme monitoring, high monitoring & with cause, regular monitoring & with cause, occasional monitoring & with cause and monitoring with cause. The level of monitoring to use for this age is Extreme, High and the introduction of Regular Monitoring.
Extreme monitoring. As your kid demonstrates greater responsible and trustworthiness, they should be able to access electronic devices and media while you are in the immediate area and only while you are in the immediate area. The device should be clearly visible to anyone who passes by and there should be complete transparency for what they are doing (i.e., nothing is hidden, no minimizing screens, etc.).
High monitoring & with cause. As your kid earns greater trust by showing consistently appropriate and responsible use of electronic devices and media with extreme monitoring (as well as in other areas of their life) they can be trusted with greater freedom from monitoring when on the internet. During this high monitoring period, you should be checking on them a couple of times an hour every time they are accessing the internet.
Regular monitoring & with cause. Your kid will eventually earn the opportunity to have access to electronic devices and media without constant, frequent monitoring. In this phase, you should be checking on what they are doing every couple of times they use it.
7th and 8th Graders
The task during this phase is to begin to allow your kid increased use of the internet with High Monitoring while Extreme monitoring continues with social media. Kids this age are extremely interested in being older than they are. This coincides with a greater influence of peers, especially close friends, in exploring shocking, thrilling and erotic content on the internet. They are no longer likely to accidentally wander carelessly into risqué areas or stumble upon inappropriate information. During this age, your teenager is going to be actively seeking out these kinds of experiences driven by curiosity, bravado and to avoid looking naïve to their peers. The internet provides the means for addressing all the curiosity they have about their own physical development, that of the opposite sex, interest in sex and sexuality and a desire to shock themselves (and their friends) with weird and disgusting things as well as taking risks to edge into the world of older teens. This makes it very likely they are going to upset themselves, get themselves into situations they aren’t ready to handle and expose themselves to information that is confusing, upsetting and alluring all at the same time. They can’t easily admit this to friends and they will have difficulty approaching you about it since you have already made it clear they shouldn’t even know about these things.
Here are some ways to address this thorny issue of your kid beginning to want to make their own decisions and be treated like an older teen with no clue or experience in managing the demands and responsibilities that come with that role.
Internet
Here are some important components in addressing your 7th and 8th grader’s use of the internet.
Have internet review sessions. At the beginning of each summer and again at the beginning of the school year, review the rules for using the internet including appropriate sites, privacy and personal information, acceptable language and what they are supposed to do if someone interacts with them in inappropriate ways (e.g., harasses them, tries to get them to provide personal information, discuss things that make them uncomfortable, etc.). Go through all the ways your kid has a web presence and double check that nothing is amiss.
Encourage your kid to talk with you about questions they have or things they come across that is upsetting or confusing. (More detail about talking with your kid and setting the ground rules can be found in the Electronic Issues section of Raising Teens in the 21st Century.) Let them know that if you find they have visited inappropriate sites on the internet it will result in a long and awkward conversation about the issues you have discovered. Make sure you follow through on this with long and awkward conversations. They need information and your opinions about the things they have been watching and learning about.
Computers with internet access in public spaces. This is the age when kids begin to do stupid, risky and impulsive things as they try to prove they are not chicken or naïve. It continues to be a bad idea to have easy internet access in private spaces. With all the devices that have connectivity, this can be a challenge. It is a challenge worth taking on. (And, besides, if you have taken my advice your kid won’t have internet connections on portable devices.)
Content filters on all computers. All your computers should still have content filters and monitoring software (and continue until they are in 11th grade). As mentioned in the previous columns, here is a recent review of several programs on a site for tech people. Here and here are two examples of programs that allow you to monitor where your kids go on the internet, including on their cell phones. Every year or so (or every time a story about damage done to–or by–a kid through the internet scares you), do a search to make sure the filtering software you are using is adequate and to find out what new ways kids can get around filters.
Internet use with High to Regular monitoring. During this age, High Monitoring should begin to gradually give way to Regular monitoring. As mentioned, your kid will search out inappropriate and undesirable content. After your kid has demonstrated appropriate use of the internet for 6 months begin to introduce Regular Monitoring for periods of time (i.e., a week). Let them know you are cutting back on the monitoring due to their trustworthiness. If they mess up, then drop back to High or even Extreme monitoring. Let them know they will need to reestablish trust by appropriate internet use to get less restricted access again. After a month, start the process of transitioning to Regular monitoring again. The second time they mess up, make it 2 months of appropriate use before you try again with the Regular monitoring. If they mess up a third time in 6 months you may need to consult to see what is making this so difficult for your kid to accomplish. You will be able to tell a lot about your kid by how they earn greater freedom of internet use as well as if (i.e., when) they mess up and re-earn your trust. (There is a system of internet and social network readiness presented in my book Raising Teens in the 21st Century that takes kids from the Novice to Expert level you might find worth implementing.)
Limit time on the internet. Spending hours on the internet is still not good for kids this age. They should be limited to no more than 2 hours of screen time daily (that is if you want to decrease the likelihood of psychological problems)
Next week: Developmental Stages of Access to Social Media: Grades 7-8 Part II
