“If I had talked like that to my mom, she would have knocked the crap out of me!”
When parents say this to me I sometimes think, “Why don’t you?” All right, I don’t recommend corporal punishment. I didn’t spank or hit my own kids, which is not to say there weren’t times when I really wanted to.
Like a lot of parents, I came from a family of spankers. I often heard, “I’m gonna beat the soup out of you, Jimmy!” Momma said she liked spanking because she could just deal with it and then go on about her business. This was the same woman who would pinch a piece out of me in church if I was too squirmy and whisper, “and if you make a sound, I’ll GIVE you something to cry about.”
Memories like these have led a lot of us to look for another way to discipline our kids.
The biggest challenge for most of us, however, is what to do instead. For adults who had harsh or even abusive parents, choosing not to follow the same path can mean they end up throwing the baby out with the proverbial bath water. Unfortunately, when you are creating a new tradition, you have to think through each situation. It takes time and creativity — something that can be in very short supply these days.
So, what’s a formula for punishing your kids that is flexible, straightforward, effective, and teaches a lesson but doesn’t require getting “Mr. Spoon”?
That’s the topic for today.
If it is a first-time offense, traditional grounding works well and should take care of the problem. However, if that doesn’t get results or if it’s a first time offense that is serious, you can take it to the next level, which involves several elements.
First, start by finding something your teen will dislike or even hate. Teens need to actually suffer when they screw up in order to:
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Second, don’t forget that you can add misery to your teen’s life rather than just limiting yourself to restrictions or deprivation. As parents, we naturally think first of taking things away. (“You’re grounded until you’re 18!” “I’m selling your X-box!” “I’m shaving your head in your sleep!”). There’s a whole-wide world of punishments based on “active” suffering. For example, digging a hole in the back yard and then filling it back up, weeding the garden, volunteering at the local food kitchen, writing essays on important topics, running laps at the local track. The list is limited only by your imagination.
Third, don’t forget lecturing. You might be surprised how miserable you can make your teen by scheduling regular lectures on the area he or she is driving you crazy about — long, boring lectures with quizzes for understanding thrown in.
One of my own fond memories was when my then 12-year-old son would not wear his bike helmet. The next time I caught him, he had to wear the “helmet of shame” for an entire Saturday, both in and out of the house. Every time I think of it, it makes me laugh; which brings me to my final suggestion.
Find something that will provide you with a private sense of glee. In working with parents, I look for what can be described as an “evil glee” response. This is when we discover a punishment that leads to the parents experiencing a deep laugh at the thought of implementing the consequence. It often turns out to be just the right punishment for their kid to get the message so everyone can get back to the business of getting things done and enjoying life.
There isn’t any reason parenting shouldn’t be fun.
