Not every kid initially thrives in the excitement, freedom, independence (and chaos and debauchery) that are part of the residential college experience. Things happen that are upsetting. It can be hard for some kids to adjust to new room mates, peers or even a college environment that wasn’t as good a fit as everyone expected. They can get too focused on fun and not enough on achievement. They may become too distracted by the varieties of immediately gratifying experiences of which they can avail themselves (without the observant eye of a parent to call attention to the problem). They may experience (old or new) emotional and psychological issues. They may encounter mistreatment and even assault. It can be useful for your kid to know the signs that something is a potential problem and what to do if problems arise.
Depression, anxiety or worse
Anxiety, depression and stress are the top three reasons college kids visit the college counseling center. Does your kid know how to recognize if they are struggling with their feelings? Take some time to talk with them about how to recognize if they are experiencing a debilitating level of anxiety, depression or stress. Make sure you talk with them about what to do if they find themselves struggling with these feelings (i.e., call you!). If they are thinking death would be a relief or about taking their own life, you should have an agreement that they will contact you immediately. It is better to have the conversation end up being unnecessary than taking for granted things are ok and being catastrophically mistaken. Here are quick quizes for depression, anxiety and stress. The best resource would be having them contact their college counseling center for psychological support. Don’t be surprised, though, if your kid has difficulty getting an appointment. College counseling centers have increasingly been overwhelmed by students seeking help so you may have to figure out how to get support through others resources until an appointment opens up.
Substance use problems
You will have already talked with your kid about substance use and abuse when at college. But, they will also need to know how to tell if they have a problem. TWEAK is a five-item scale developed originally to screen for risk drinking. It is an acronym for the questions below that were modified from Russell, 1994:
Tolerance—“How many drinks can you hold?”/”How much of a substance can you handle at one time?”
Worried—“Have close friends or relatives worried or complained about your substance use?” or, alternatively, “Have you gained a reputation for being a heavy user?”
Eye-opener—“Do you sometimes use in the morning when you first get up?”
Amnesia—stands for blackouts—“Has a friend or family member ever told you about things you said or did while you were using that you could not remember?”
K/Cut Down—“Do you sometimes feel the need to cut down on your substance use?”
The more questions your kid answers yes to, the more serious the substance use problem.
Talk about what your kid thinks they should do if they show any of these symptoms. One thing they should do is let you know. (I know, I know; it’s optimistic. But, if you can get them to either let you know or if you can get them to answer honestly when you ask, it is GOLD!)
Keeping up with school
It is extremely difficult to find a balance between getting an education and taking advantage of all the exciting, fun, captivating opportunities that exist when you cram thousands of teens and young adults together into a small area who are away from home with lots of time on their hands. Of course they are going to make the right decisions! But, if they don’t? Have some pointed discussions about how your kid can tell if they are tilting out of balance. What is too much: too much fun, too much video gaming, too much time socializing?
Then there are actual problems with school work. It is important for them to have already given some thought to the indications that school is harder than they thought (hint: not “wait until the end of the semester to see how it turns out”). More importantly, what should they do about it? Do they know about all the academic resources on campus?
Privacy and Personal Boundaries
Sharing a room at college may be the first time your kid has faced limitations to their privacy and the need to set personal boundaries with someone who mom and dad can’t make listen. Respect for another person’s boundaries is crucial in communal living. Having a room mate who considers what is yours is theirs can create resentment, stress and conflict. It can be shocking to find out how disgusting other people can be. Talk with your kid how to address boundaries issues with a room mate or peers.
This is particularly true for times when someone has a dating partner stay over. Your kid will probably have no experience thinking about all the complications and social dynamics of sleeping with someone (e.g., what can be overheard, what is considered too intrusive to say or do). How will they be considerate of their roommate’s privacy needs (including their possible discomfort with people having sex right next to them!) And, with recording technology on phones or other devices being constantly at hand, illicit recordings as a “prank” (or for more malicious purposes) are a possibility. These are all topics worthy of at least a mention in discussions about the upcoming semester.
Injury or Assault
What should your kid do if they are seriously injured? How will someone know to contact you? Have they completed the emergency medical id information on their mobile phone? Does their roommate and close friends have your contact information? Do you have the contact information of their roommate? Close friends? Resident Dorm Assistant?
What should your kid do if they are attacked? Do they know how to activate an emergency call on their apple or android smart phone? Who should they call first? Second?
If it is a sexual assault, what should they do? (RAINN has a very helpful site dedicated to all aspects of sexual assault. Peterson’s has a brief summary of the most important parts of what to do after being sexually assaulted.)
Loneliness
When should your kid take seriously that they are feeling lonely? Typically, entering college students have a period of about 2 weeks where they will feel homesick and uncertain about whether they have anyone to hang out with or to begin to form connections. By the second or third week, most students have been included in a social group through the natural points of interaction that occur in college (e.g., dorm mate, dorm hallway, classes, clubs, greek life events, etc.). If not, here are some general strategies that will improve the odds of them finding their group. Something unusual is going on if they are entering their 4th week of college and are still feeling lonely. At this point they might benefit from meeting with a counselor to take a closer look at what is getting in the way of them having more satisfying relationships.
Weight changes
The “Freshman 15” (i.e., that entering college students gain an average of 15 pounds their first year) is a myth. While 70% of students gain weight by the time they graduate, the average weight gain during the first year of college is 3 pounds. So, some weight gain is expected. But, gaining (or losing) a lot of weight (e.g., 10 pounds or more) is a strong indicator of an unhealthy lifestyle. Too much junk food, not enough exercise and poor sleep habits will stress the body and get it to store fat. Have a talk with your kid about giving some time and attention to healthy eating and staying active.
Losing weight through inadequate nutrition, stress or, most worrisome, through intentional calorie restriction due to body image issues is equally problematic. Weight loss (also 10 pounds or more on most body types) will interfere with concentration, energy, physical health and performance (academic and otherwise).
Involvement with the authorities
What you do as a decent, respectable citizen (e.g., be forthright with nothing to hide) is actually not what you should do if questioned or, especially, arrested by police authorities. Have a conversation about what your kid should do if they are stopped by campus security or the police? Many things can go wrong for innocent reasons. Many things can go wrong for illegal reasons. In every instance, your kid should not make it easier to be charged with a crime. It is better to be able to address these issues within your family rather than in a court of law.
