This is a continuation of a discussion of some basic parenting strategies that are particularly well suited to helping your kid develop Character. As you will see in later columns, you can use these techniques to focus on a particular Character-istic or all of them as the situation allows or need requires.
Anticipate it. Character can be fostered in your kid by projecting moral strength into their future. In this way, you will be subtly shaping the adult they are working to become. “You are going to be such an honorable man.” “I am really looking forward to you being a woman who . . .” “When you are an adult, what do you think will be the personal Character trait you will be most proud of.” “What do you want your kids to admire most about you?” “By the time you get to be an adult, you will be such a person of strong Character. That’ll be really cool.”
Showing good Character can also be accomplished by helping your kid anticipate situations in which Character will be needed now. “You know, Anita will probably be feeling pretty bad. What do you think would help her?” “It is going to be really hard to stand up for yourself. It will take a lot of courage.”
Guilt it. A personal value system serves as a means of accountability to oneself (and your family and community). This begins by the value system parents promote in their kids. If they fulfill the promise of personal values it is a source of justifiable pride. Violating personal values should result in guilt (for not doing what’s right) and shame (for letting other people down). Parents need to help their kids along with this. “You really let me down by not taking care of these chores. Your mother and I work very hard to provide things for you. You need to do your part.” “You know better than that.” “What could possibly make you think it was OK to do that?” “I know I taught you better than that! (my momma’s favorite)” “Oh no you don’t! That is NOT the way we do things in this family.” “You’re a better person than that.” “Shame on you.”
Guilt induction and shaming should be used with caution and careful thought. These are powerful and important parenting techniques. Unfortunately, some parents can badly abuse this technique. Guilt should arise from presenting your kid with the morals they have violated not by making them responsible for things beyond their control or other people’s feelings. “Do you know how many children would love to have your life?” “You shouldn’t argue with me like that. I could have a heart attack.” “You are the reason I have such headaches all the time.” “And to think I almost DIED giving birth to you!” While these may be funny lines when delivered by a movie character they are damaging to use on real kids. When guilt is used to keep a kid in line (rather than as a way to encourage them to examine whether they are living up to their personal value system), it sets up a deeply conflicted emotional struggle. Some kids resolve this struggle by tossing those troublesome moral values rather than following them more closely. Others have trouble being assertive. Still other guilt-ridden kids end up having difficulty feeling real joy.
Repeat it. Once is not enough when it comes to Character. Find every opportunity to work it into the conversation. Using all of the strategies mentioned above, you will be able to work Character issues into every possible situation in a remarkably diverse number of ways. You need to have mentioned Character so often (i.e., at least once every couple of days) and in so many different forms that they are sick of hearing about it by the time they graduate from high school.
On Being Perfect. Before ending this discussion of parental strategies for encouraging Character development in their teens, a few words needs to be said about perfection and perfectionism. Unfortunately, extremely good people can end up having trouble being spontaneous and playful (i.e., boring). They spend so much time trying to figure out the right thing to do and say they end up being all tense and critical. Having Character doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. You can be a highly moral person and still act a bit crazy at times. You can pick at people (for non-Southerners that means use mild put downs in an affectionate way) but still make sure you aren’t insulting, insensitive or hurtful. It is important to make sure your kids know they don’t have to make a tradeoff between being a person with Character and someone who has fun. In fact, while Character and the underlying morals are timeless, HOW you demonstrate Character is not. Some pushing against the “way things have always been” is one source of growth and progress in a community. Teenagers are ideally suited for this task. So review lapses in Character with your kid to consider whether the way to demonstrate Character is still legitimate and appropriate. You may find yourself making some changes to your own views of what it means to be a person with Character.
Next time: Character as Compassion
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