Teach it (i.e., give direct moral instruction). There are a number of component skills that are a part of being an honest person. Kids need to know how to give an honest opinion. They can also benefit from learning how to be diplomatic about speaking honestly. Honest people also need to know how to set limits on what they are willing to reveal. They also need to develop refusal skills for to people who are trying to pressure them to be dishonest.
Giving an honest opinion. Even with all the groundwork laid, teens still need to know how to go about being honest. They usually don’t need help with what can be called easy truths (i.e., compliments, positive emotions, etc.). These can be expressed without much consideration and with no social cost. However, expressing difficult truths is not so straightforward. People are not always happy to receive disagreements, criticisms, negative evaluations, invalidating views or expressions of disappointment. Unless they are going to be totally honest about everything to everyone (something that is risky at best, catastrophic at worst), teens must figure out how to negotiate the treacherous waters of expressing difficult truths. Inadequacies, mistakes, shortcomings, failures, sins, and violations of trust, confidence, and commitments are embarrassing and carry social consequences. When the difficult truth carries a direct cost in status, trust, or punishment, honesty can be especially painful.
Here’s a formula for giving an honest opinion about difficult truths.
[list style=”circle”]- Warn the person about what is coming (if you are initiating the conversation). “I have something that is kind of difficult to say.” “I need to tell you something.” “I want to be honest with you about something.”
OR . . .
- Make sure they want you to be honest (when others initiate the conversation). “Are you sure you want to know what I think?” “You’re not going to get mad at me for giving my opinion are you?”
- Identify your feelings about being honest with them. “I’m worried about how you are going to take this.” “I’m afraid you are going to get mad at me.”
- Tell them the truth. “I really think Marcus is wrong for you.” “I can’t believe you had sex with her.” “I smoked marijuana last weekend.” “You look like a COW in that dress!” (OK, maybe not that last one.)
- Give a subtle reminder that you think honesty is important in a relationship. “I had to tell you because it was eating me up inside.” “I couldn’t just lie to you.” “I know you are disappointed in me but I didn’t want to keep it from you.” “I needed to be honest with you.”
Diplomatic truth telling. Kids also need some ideas about how to present difficult truths about others. Here are a few ways to soften honest opinions or views.
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- Raise doubts (“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”)
- Lack of positive rather than presence of negative (“Well, I guess it doesn’t look that bad but maybe we can find something better.”)
- Alternative desirable option (“I really like how you look in that other outfit.”)
- Opinion with uncertainty (“I’m not really sure but it seems to me that . . .”)
- Self-derogation (“I get hung up on certain things that may not be important but . . .” “I’m probably missing something but . . .”)
- Reference other’s opinions who support your truth (“What did your mother/girlfriend/therapist/probation officer say?”)
Refusal skills. The other side of setting limits is knowing how to refuse someone who is trying to get them to be dishonest. “I’m not going to lie for you.” “You are putting me in a bad position by trying to get me to lie about that.” “Stop pressuring me! I’m not going to lie about this.” This is probably one of the most difficult situations that require your kid to remain true to their commitment to honesty. If they have a friend who is lying and trying to get your kid to lie, not going along could actually cost them their relationship, however unfair that may be. Be sure to encourage your kid to talk to you if they are being put in this position. They will need some complicated problem solving to get through this moral dilemma.
Encourage it. (i.e., admire them for it). Your kid will need clear indications that you want and can tolerate honesty from them. “I hope you can be honest with me like that kid was with her parents.” “You can tell me honestly what happened and we will just figure out what to do about it. This time, you won’t get in trouble.” It is unrealistic to think your kid will have nothing to hide. Honesty will be a difficult struggle for them as they are moved to violate the rules they consider ridiculous (or just inconvenient).
Here’s the thing though. Like all morals, the real test of character is when your morals or values cost you. It is important to talk to your kid about the importance of knowing in their heart they did the right thing by being honest. They also need to know that YOU are proud of them for doing the right thing. Be very sure you catch them following their personal convictions about honesty when it will cost them in the moment. Keep up the encouragement for them to be honest.
Anticipate it. (i.e., project moral behavior into their future self). “Your honesty is what will make you a fine man.” “This kind of honesty will really pay off across the rest of your life.” “By the time you are an adult, you will have learned how to be honest with yourself and with others.” Find ways to let them know that you are just assuming that they will be an honest adult. “I know you will be the kind of honest grownup I can be proud of.”
Guilt it. (i.e., be disappointed, “is this really who you are?”). Talk at length about how they let you down if they have been dishonest. Talk at length about what they should have done differently and why when they have fallen short of the honest ideal. Talk at length about how disappointed you will be in them if it turns out they are lying to you (before you know for sure they are but have a strong suspicion).
Repeat it. (i.e., once is not enough). Stay on it. Don’t let up. Character issues need a lot of repetition.
Honesty as not lying. Honesty is not the same as telling the truth. You can refuse to tell the truth to remain honest (“I promised I wouldn’t tell.” “That’s private.”). Kids need to have practice standing up to pressure to violate their values. Unfortunately, that will sometimes mean standing up to you. This most often occurs when there is a moral dilemma (i.e., conflict between two important values like truthfulness versus loyalty or not wanting to get in trouble vs. not wanting to lie). It is important to provide kids with an alternative that allows them to maintain their integrity (i.e., not lie) while also not answering at all (and accepting the consequences).
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- Encourage them to voice their position (“Why won’t you tell me?”).
- Praise them for standing up for their principles (“At least you didn’t just lie to me to get out of it.”)
- Act based on the current facts (“Well, since all I have to go on is what I know, we will have to talk about how you are going to be punished.”).
- If there is a stalemate, support their principled stand and improve your information and monitoring to catch them next time (“Since you aren’t talking and I don’t know for sure, I guess we’re done. For now. I am glad that you didn’t just try to make up something to get out of this.”).
Too much honesty? Total honesty (sometimes referred to as being brutally honest) usually doesn’t work well in our everyday world. (See www.radicalhonesty.com for an alternative opinion.) When is it OK to lie?
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- When honesty will hurt the other person and the benefit of honesty doesn’t outweigh the damage emotional damage. Compassion for others should supersede the need for honesty.
- Never to yourself. Therein lies the path to madness and failure.
- NOT primarily because of self-serving reasons, that is immoral.
Nobody is perfect. Your kid is going to lie to you about something. If they haven’t, you haven’t caught them. Most kids don’t lie often and they self-correct when it is addressed. The lie they tell provides you with the opportunity to address honesty in a much more relevant way than all the hypothetical situations you could create. Good hunting.
