Teach it. Generosity needs to be taught. There are a number of skills that lead to generosity. Manners are an important form of generosity. Good manners are about being considerate, patient, tolerant and generous. Opening doors for others, giving up your seat to someone older or physically challenged, waiting for everyone to be served before beginning to eat and politeness are all examples of generosity. Require your kid to have good manners. Arrange for formal practice sessions if they don’t seem to be getting it.
Generous acts arise out of empathy for the difficulties and struggles of others. This can be for obvious and dramatic difficulties like disabling conditions but it is also for everyday hassles like spilling your drink. Be sure to help your kid recognize that the difficulties others experience are deserving of empathy. “They must feel bad about not having any. Remember how you felt like that when . . .” When you notice someone struggling, ask your kid what they think that person is feeling.
Generosity is also about giving others credit (and not taking it for yourself). Help your kid recognize the value of emphasizing the contributions of other people in the success of some venture. “Jonelle doesn’t get much credit for things. It would probably make her feel really good if you really emphasized all that she did; even if people don’t realize all that you did too.”
Generosity is a win-win situation not a zero sum game. In a zero sum game, resources are limited. If one person gets more the other person gets less. If your kid thinks that giving to others will deprive them of what they want (or need) it will be harder for them to have a generous spirit. Help them realize that giving to others brings back many things in return. They may need your help in recognizing how to feel good about being generous. They need guidance in seeing that they can both give and share without unduly depriving themselves.
Kids also need to practice gratitude. Your kid is much more likely to be generous when they recognize the many blessings they enjoy, the generosity of others toward them and the support they receive. And, this isn’t referring to money and possessions (though that counts). When kids can identify the many ways in which they are blessed, generosity flows more easily.
Expect it. Make sure your kid knows that you expect them to be a generous person. When you notice someone being generous, call your kid’s attention to it. Let them know “That’s the kind of person I want you to be.” Tell them that “It is important to be generous to other people.” Have a family charity to which you contribute generously. Have your kid identify a charity toward to which they make regular donations. They should take for granted that generosity is something to require of yourself. It’s not something they get extra credit for; it is just the way they are supposed to be.
Express it. Use words like generous spirit, contribute, generous and share. Say things things like “give some of what you have” and “let other people use what you have.”
Encourage it. Give them direct instructions. “Be generous with your time.” Ask leading questions. “What opportunities do you think you’ll have to be generous today?” Have them practice generosity. “Take this $5 with you and give it to someone who looks like they could use it.” Have your kid pass on generosity that is shown to them (i.e., pay it forward). “Remember when Mark shared with you? Be sure to look for a chance to do that for someone else.” “I think going over and talking with Mary for a few minutes so she isn’t so left out would be a very generous thing for you to do.”
Try to avoid using should (“You should be more generous”) or ought (“Why aren’t you more generous?” “You need to be more generous.”) to encourage them. It can make generosity feel like an obligation rather than a gift from the heart. (Though not all pressuring is bad. See Guilt it below). Keep the focus on how important generosity is as a personal quality, a sign of character and the way y’all do things in your family.
Anticipate it. Try to find ways to help them see how generosity will fit into their future. “The fact that you are a generous person is going to serve you well as an adult.” “There are so many benefits that will come from being a generous person when you are grown.” “You will be able to do even more for others when you are an adult.” “I’m sure you will get better at remembering to be generous in the future.”
Guilt it. Guilting your kid is well suited for ungenerous acts or for situations where they overlook the opportunity for generosity (especially since it will be balanced by Noticing it and Encouraging it). Readers of this column will have noticed that guilting was discouraged in the Courage columns because of the potential complications of your kid going too far in the other direction. However, if people think they don’t quite live up to their moral standard, they are more likely to be moral in the future–kind of like they are trying to make up for it. (This does not mean that you should keep telling your kid they aren’t quite generous enough just to get them to be more generous. It can work but it adds other, undesirable side effects like shame and feeling inadequate as a person. Is psychology complicated or what?!) In addition, there is a subtle but important difference between guilting (i.e., disappointment in their behavior.”) and shaming (i.e., disappointed in them as a person). Discourage ungenerous acts by letting your kid know you are disappointed in them. “I’m disappointed that you didn’t share that with your brother.” “That’s not the kind of person I want you to be.” “I know you are more generous than that.”
Repeat it. Every opportunity, as with every other aspect of fostering character development in your teenager.
A note about greed. Talking about generosity raises the issue of greed, wanting to get more for yourself than you need or can use (which most often means that others will go without). Kids can become greedy when they focus too much on themselves (i.e., selfishness), don’t have empathy for others in need, when they fear not having enough, take for granted the generosity they receive from others, have a philosophy that “the person who has the most toys wins” (i.e., competitive and materialistic) or are insecure. Kids can sometimes think that the choice is between being generous and actually having nice things. Generosity is not about giving away all your possessions and living the life of an ascetic hermit. It is about giving what you can to others. It is about sharing what you have.
Next: Honesty
