While making plans to spend time with extended family over the upcoming holiday, I was reminded of a book I ran across some time ago by Laurence Gonzales (Deep Survival, 2005) about surviving in a familiar but unforgiving and hostile environment. Gonzales interviewed survivors, gathered information on people who perished, and reviewed research on the psychology of survival. He then identified the qualities that separated survivors from those that were crushed under the merciless heel of Mother Nature’s boot. So, as you prepare to be once again embraced into the warm bosom of your loving family, here are a couple of tips to avoid ending up in a struggle for your existence.
Overconfidence. The first mistake is to believe you can handle any situation just because you have confronted it before. This mistake is commonly made by people who are experienced in dealing with a dangerous environment (or who are highly trained, mental health professionals). Just because you have safely waded across a river filled with piranha once doesn’t mean they won’t strip the flesh right off your bones this time around (especially if they didn’t want you to marry their daughter in the first place). So, stay humble and keep your guard up.
Risk taking. People have a natural tolerance for risk. Whatever it is, they are likely to increase the perceived risk until it approaches that tolerance level. This means that you can actually end up creating problems for yourself by pushing limits just when things are starting to go well. My wife calls this “SHUT UP, you idiot”.
Balanced systems. This refers to the fact that effects spread quickly in systems with tightly coupled components (like, say, members of a crazy, extended family who all live in the same town). When mountain climbers are tied together and one of them falls; well, you get the picture. If you tie yourself to the team or stand right under them, you’re in trouble. The key is to remain just outside of the system to avoid any deadly entanglements as everyone starts to tumble toward the abyss.
Ignoring your intuition. People who end up in otherwise avoidable dangerous situations often report ignoring the little voice in their head that was saying “hold on, something’s not right here.” Time and again people have ended up dead (or worse, in therapy for years) because they didn’t heed that little inner instinct for danger. You know what I’m talking about; the hair standing up on the back of your neck when your mother asks innocently “Are y’all coming to our house this Christmas?” Trust your gut.
Peer pressure. “Come on! Don’t be such a baby! What could go wrong?” As I read somewhere, “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups” (www.despair.com). Your goal is to avoid being one of those stupid people.
Refusing to backtrack. People often end up perishing in the wild by forging ahead despite clear signs they should turn around and go home. This can often occur when you’ve had too much to drink, aren’t keeping a close enough eye on your partner’s “don’t go there” signals, or have an uncanny knack for stepping right in it. When you have wandered into the den of a sleeping bear (especially if you have been in that den every holiday since birth), don’t keep poking at it! Back out, v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
No bail out plan. People end up in trouble when they don’t know when to pack up and go home. There they are with all their special gear, prepared for the adventure that awaits, when suddenly it becomes clear that this isn’t the trip they signed on for. So, be sure to plan your exit strategy should you encounter a change in the weather or the terrain has undergone some sort of upheaval (unless the original plan was for everyone to run headlong toward a precipice). As Kenny Rogers so eloquently crooned, you gotta know when to fold ‘em.
False confidence. Surviving in the wild is made more difficult if you have survived other kinds of risky or dangerous situations. You’re all “Remember when I told that guy off?” and “If I can survive THAT, I can handle this.” The adrenalin rush of success in previous brushes with death or maiming can actually be a reinforcement to take that kind of risk again. The concept of dodging a bullet doesn’t seem to sink in with some people. When you enter dangerous territory, be afraid; be very afraid.
Blindness to real danger. Most people live in low risk environments where there are minimal consequences for inattention to the environment and its possible dangers. Usually we arrange our lives and relationships so that we aren’t ambushed while in the comfort of our homes. So, keep in mind that when you enter the mouth of the dragon, even if there is a banquet and comfy furniture, the slightest tightening of the dragon’s jaw muscles can indicate that everything is about to go up in flames. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security, no matter how friendly the reception you receive.
Snowball effect. Seemingly trivial events start to shape an accident before it happens. It often begins with something as innocent as telling yourself “One little drink won’t hurt.” Then, the next thing you know, punches are being thrown, people are screaming and crying and you’re being blamed for ruining Christmas, again. Keep an eye out for the pebble that can start an avalanche.
Rescue fever. When someone you know and care about is in mortal danger, you are likely to attempt to save them at any cost. That cost can be your own life. A floundering swimmer will try to stand on the head of their rescuer to get out of the water. Meanwhile, the rescuer’s head is now underwater. When it hits the fan, it’s every man for himself. Sometimes, you may even have to sacrifice a less important member of your family in order to save yourself. Children are ideally suited for this. Grieve for the struggles of your loved ones from a safe distance. It is even OK to encourage people to save themselves, just don’t let them get a hold of you or you will all go under.
Recognizing you are lost. Many people are naturally positive and optimistic. This can be deadly when you are in an environment that can turn dangerous at any moment. A general rule for determining if you are lost in the wild is if, after traveling for 30 minutes, you still do not know where you are. I think the same rule generally holds true for family gatherings. If, after 30 minutes you are still disoriented and can’t tell where you stand; you are officially lost. If this happens, remember: stay calm; make a plan; take decisive, corrective action; don’t over extend yourself; keep your sense of humor; and do whatever your spouse tells you. Happy Holidays and the merriest of family reunions!
