I’ve been interviewed recently about changes in teen pregnancy rates across the last decade. In a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control, the rate of teenage pregnancies has declined by 40% from what they were in 1995. This is one of the many indications of how well teenagers are doing these days.
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You’d think that with all the emphasis on sex in our culture, teens would be doing it every chance they get. Well, there are some other stats about teens that might explain some of this. The Guttmacher Institute found that the top three reasons teens report waiting to have sex is “religion or morals”, “don’t want to get pregnant” and “haven’t found the right person yet.” (Notice it is about morals, future plans a pregnancy might mess up and the recognition of sex as a part of intimacy! Not about being ho-hum about sex.) When the Monitoring the Future survey (as summarized in the Child Trends Databank) compared teenagers who are sexually active with those who aren’t they found that not having sex is related to teens being from a stable family with more resources, communicating about sex with their parents (COMMUNICATING WITH THEIR PARENTS!), expressing more religiosity and being more connected to their school. You can see the same themes in these answers too.
Two major factors seem to be influencing this remarkable (and highly desirable) change in behavior: more teens are using birth control and more teens are waiting to have sex (Guttmacher Institute). I think it is likely that both of these decisions are related to an increased openness about sex and sexuality (unfortunately, mostly driven by the use of sex to sell things). As importantly, teens also have greater access to information, increased access to contraception and birth control information AND the opportunity and encouragement to talk about their sexual decision making (compared to the old days when you just didn’t talk about these things).
What’s a parent to do?
If you want to discourage your teen from having sex or encourage them to be truly responsible for their sexual behavior (and avoid any life altering outcomes like pregnancy, abortion or disease), here are some things that will help.
Communicate with your kid
Any time you can be a part of your kid’s decision making process, the better the outcomes are likely to be. Talking with them is crucial for this. It isn’t always possible and your kid will have some limits on how much communication they can tolerate or accept but talking with your kid is important. Talking to your kid about sex, sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy and relationships is vital. Some of the more important elements to getting your kid to talk to you include:
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- Get to know them; their likes, dislikes, aspirations, disappointments, friends.
- Listen, really listen
- Always ask for their opinions and views before you give yours.
- Wade right in. Just bring up what you want to talk about.
- Start working on communication with your kid before you need to have a serious talk.
- (There are 4 chapters in the book on Pre-dating, Dating, the Talk and how to promote abstinence.)
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- Make sure your kid knows the facts and realities about how sex and sexual intimacy work.
- Talk directly to them about safer sex and contraception even if you expect them to have a commitment to abstinence until some designated event (e.g., marriage; strong committed relationship, 28 years old, etc.). They especially need to have accurate information about what works and what doesn’t. Be careful about trying to trick them with false information. The internet will show you up every time and you will lose credibility. There is plenty of truth to address waiting to engage in responsible sexual intimacy without having to distort or fabricate facts.
- Present a positive model of sex and sexual intimacy. You will lose your kid if all you do is talk about sex as an evil seducer (or seductress) or as an inevitable cesspool of disease, degradation and unwanted pregnancies. It is fun and glorious and powerful and can be deeply satisfying. Don’t avoid talking about this part. Just help them put it in context (and recognize how overpowering it can be for just these reasons).
- Talk relationships! Make sure they realize that sex is about relationships (because it is, even when people try to make it not be). Hooking up effects how you see yourself and how others view you. Getting pregnant ties you to each other forever.
There are LOTS of books that will explain equipment and mechanics to you and that you can give your kid to read. There is a great void in books about the heart and soul of sexual intimacy, i.e., relationships. You can find some of these in the references section for my book.
Have them identify personal limits to physical and sexual intimacy. Talking about limits of sexual behavior is talking about consequences of sexual behavior. Your kids need to have thought through their own views about the role of sex in their lives and in their relationships.
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- What are the characteristics of the person they will first have sex with? What kind of person is worth committing your life to?
- What would happen if they became pregnant? What would YOU (as their parent) do if they have a kid? What will you require of THEM if they become a teenage parent? (And your kid better believe you will make THEM bear most of the burden.)
- What are they looking for in a relationship?
- If they decide to have sex, what kind of protection will they use?
- But, most importantly, how do their morals related to sexual decision making?
Your kid is going to be astinent in one way or another (since they either won’t have sex or won’t have sex with just anyone anytime). They will need to know how to deal with their own sexual desires and pressure or enticements from others. Some of the more important categories include:[list style=”circle”]
- How to turn down or deflect invitations or pressure to do sexual things.
- Making their own decisions about sex (along with thinking through the criteria and legitimacy of changing their mind).
- Anticipating being in sexually charged situations and thinking through how to handle them.
- Understanding the slippery slope of kissing to making out to petting above the waist to petting below the waist to sex. And, thinking through when they will decide to become more sexually intimate. (Hint: don’t decide in the moment)
- Understand the effects of external factors like highly sexually charged situations (e.g., hot tubing in your underwear) or having your decision making compromised (e.g., under the influence of alcohol and drugs, etc.)
Limit their opportunity. And, there is a definite role you play in this as their parent in trying to make sure they are not put in situations they can’t handle. This involves:
- Setting limits on unsupervised time.
- Having rules about the conditions and stages of dating relationships (e.g., no 1-on-1 dating til 16).
- Being actively involved in a faith community.
- Requiring them to be involved in constructive and productive activities like sports teams, music (teen bands don’t count here because, you know, the sex/drugs/rock and roll thing; unless they are a religious band of course), physically demanding activities (e.g., cheer, gymnastics, dance, martial arts but skateboarding or snowboarding don’t count because everyone knows those kids are CRAZY thrill junkies) or any organized, adult supervised or led activity (e.g., scouting, adventure clubs, ROTC, etc.).
Guiding your teenager through the maze of sex and sexual intimacy has always been a challenge for parents. Don’t avoid the topic. Don’t give in to your own anxiety or awkwardness about discussing sex with your kid. Don’t let them put you off (“Awe Dad! I’m not talking about this with you!”). They need to know how to handle this important, wonderful and risky part of their lives. They need you to help them figure it out. You will need to have multiple conversations across their teenage years. Don’t wait.
*This image indicates that there is information and strategies on the topic available in my book Raising Teens in the 21st Century.
